if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
