Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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