The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
