we have officially mastered the walk of shame
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
