I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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