we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
