DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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