The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
