She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
