Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
