i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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