last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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