Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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