Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
