Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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