we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
