I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
