Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
