May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
