my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
