If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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