things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You need a sexual gate keeper
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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