i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
