it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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