So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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