There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
