Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
