i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize