No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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