Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
