I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
soo... how was my night?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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