I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
