i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
