Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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