Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
