I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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