fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
