YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
