I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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