I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I love how my cats smell like pot.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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