The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
