1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
