I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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