i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I got inside last night via doggy door
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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