someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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