When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
