life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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