I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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