sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
