I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
