but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
