I wish I could teleport
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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