im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
