If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Oh god it's open bar.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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