Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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