That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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