I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
